Failed but Won’t Quit

I am depressed but I won’t quit.

It’s been a while I have not written anything and I think today is a good day to write, because I am exhausted.

I love my job and the work that I do but I acted as if this is my own company, and it is not.

Maybe my workaholic self is back. I can’t stop thinking about what needs to be done tomorrow, what should I fix and what should i check. I wrote to do list everywhere, my calendar, journal, to do app.

My brain keeps working all around the clock. I constantly, naturally wakes up at 3 am checking if there is any text messages from my colleague in the US as he is helping me to fix things and I dunno why do I do what I do.

I failed to meet the deadline of the biggest project I ever handle without a team and I keep thinking it’s my very own fault. It is a big deal for me,  a perfectionist with impostor syndrome.

I hate excuses and I hate blaming other people but then in return, I blamed myself for not doing good enough and that I should have aware about many things. I blamed myself for not spending enough time to study about servers,  or finish learning Python and PHP. I thought that I would have been able to prevent this from happening if I have the knowledge.

Yes,  the server crashed but “It’s not your fault” doesn’t really makes me feel better because the reality is,  I lead this project and it is my responsibility to make it successful.

Today I skipped my Mom’s birthday dinner because I feel obligated to fix this, it feels like the entire company is on me.

But tomorrow is a new day, I promise to not beat myself up too much. I have so much things to learn and it’s killing me to know that I will not be able to learn everything in a short period of time.

Maybe I should relax a little bit and have a little faith.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Life After The Drop Out

I have made a life-changing decision when I was studying in the best university in Indonesia. Being accepted in this top rank university was not without a struggle. I was having hard times going to different study group after school ends, 5 days a week, until 7 pm. Not to mention the 3 hours drive from school to my home at that time, as we were living on the outskirt of Jakarta, so I got home at around 9 on daily basis. I remembered the day I “compete” with hundreds of thousand students, trying my best to achieve the highest score to be eligible for student admittance. I also remembered the day I was accepted by the university. Me and my parents were literally chasing the newspaper guy to get the earliest morning paper as the result was always been announced through newspaper. I was so happy, I cried and didn’t stop mumbling to God on how grateful I am.

My life as a student in a high rank university was pretty normal. I skipped classes once in a while, hang out in the canteen instead of library, I failed some classes thinking that I can retake them anytime. I had my ups and downs in term of credit score. I had my 3.8 out of 4 as my highest credit score in a semester but I also had my 2.2. In total, my average score was around 2.8 – 3.0. Not bad, normal, and average was what best describes my life as a university student.

Then, one day I got a job and it changed my life forever. I was pushing myself to do both study and work at the same time. It was really a struggle for me as my lesson ends at 2pm and at the same time my work starts at 2pm. I started to skip afternoon classes to arrive to work earlier and although I tried to keep up with studying at work, it was clear to me that I enjoyed working more than being a student. So I decided to resign from the university. It was a dumb decision, if I think about it now, but hey, the past is the past.

So right after I chose to be focused on working, I encountered a lot of unpleasant experience. People started to judge me as someone who’s not worth paying attention to, even at work, no one were willing to listen to me because I didn’t have a degree. At that time, I was shocked and frustrated by how the society can just simply hold a long label against me; drop-out girl – stupid – don’t listen – she knows nothing – stay away. I didn’t understand how could someone judge a person by the degree they have accomplished. Does a degree makes a person more superior than those who have no degree? What gives you the right to underestimate anyone in the world? Why does a degree even considered as a prove of one’s existence? I honestly was so mad at the situation, I was so angry that I decided to try my hardest to prove them wrong, to prove every single person who have ever looked down on me, that I can do better, much better than them, degree holder.

I started to learn a lot of things. I drowned myself in various books, philosophy, classic literature, history, biology even quantum physics. I slept at 4 am everyday, intoxicated with excessive caffeine ( 4 to 5 glasses of coffee on daily basis) and was very determined to finish one book in 3 days. I digested all information I found on the internet, about software, computer hardware, current technology even politics. I took numerous online courses to keep up with God knows what. At this point, buying books made me feel comfortable, a feeling of “okay, now I have something to feed my brain with, I will not be as stupid as I was yesterday“. I felt like a complete failure, ashamed, worthless human being, a leftover of the society, all because I do not have a degree (thanks, society!)

Still to this day, I have never been satisfied with myself. Every morning before my work time starts, I read all the website listed on my bookmark bar, from left to right. This bookmark bar is manually reordered once in a week to make sure I receive all the knowledge I need. I push myself to read whitepaper, pdf, research and case studies downloaded to my phone, daily. My determination to learn does not stop here. I still signed up to different courses in Udemy, Ed-Ex and Coursera. I didn’t only took the courses that will keep me upfront in my work field, but also other subjects like economics even programming. I don’t believe in limitation of knowledge and I don’t believe in limiting myself in learning. I am furiously hungry for knowledge BUT I am also constantly in battle to prove myself that I am good enough and smart enough for me, myself and I. For most people, being a self motivated, self driven and high achiever is a good thing, for me it does do me good but it also have its bad side, as everything excessive does more harm than good.

Despite all the struggle I am facing, I do not regret the road that I took in the past. It was hard and bumpy hell of a ride, but I am sure that what lies at the end of this road, will be worth struggling for and perhaps, what makes a skillful driver is a long rocky bumpy road, right? Anyways, I am starting to enjoy proving people that they are wrong to have underestimated me, their look is just priceless *wink*