I am depressed but I won’t quit.
It’s been a while I have not written anything and I think today is a good day to write, because I am exhausted.
I love my job and the work that I do but I acted as if this is my own company, and it is not.
Maybe my workaholic self is back. I can’t stop thinking about what needs to be done tomorrow, what should I fix and what should i check. I wrote to do list everywhere, my calendar, journal, to do app.
My brain keeps working all around the clock. I constantly, naturally wakes up at 3 am checking if there is any text messages from my colleague in the US as he is helping me to fix things and I dunno why do I do what I do.
I failed to meet the deadline of the biggest project I ever handle without a team and I keep thinking it’s my very own fault. It is a big deal for me, a perfectionist with impostor syndrome.
I hate excuses and I hate blaming other people but then in return, I blamed myself for not doing good enough and that I should have aware about many things. I blamed myself for not spending enough time to study about servers, or finish learning Python and PHP. I thought that I would have been able to prevent this from happening if I have the knowledge.
Yes, the server crashed but “It’s not your fault” doesn’t really makes me feel better because the reality is, I lead this project and it is my responsibility to make it successful.
Today I skipped my Mom’s birthday dinner because I feel obligated to fix this, it feels like the entire company is on me.
But tomorrow is a new day, I promise to not beat myself up too much. I have so much things to learn and it’s killing me to know that I will not be able to learn everything in a short period of time.
Maybe I should relax a little bit and have a little faith.